A Mary Sue in the Caribbean? – Unthinkable!
by LadyBootstrap
Summary: Meet the most suiest Sue ever. Will she win Jack's heart? Of course she will! A parody of all those Marysue ridden fics out there and a tribute to the better parody writers out there


**A Mary Sue in the Caribbean? – Unthinkable!**

Jack looked at the stranger before him in shock, her striking emerald-green eyes pierced into his very soul. He could feel them in his gorgeous, manly soul which was in no way tainted by his very macho piratey ways. They were beautifully ferocious like cat's eyes but obviously without those slit pupil things. You know what I mean, they're pretty creepy and this stranger wasn't creepy in any way shape or form… Well unless you think extraordinarily pretty women are creepy which would mean either that you have no taste or you're jealous of my superior writing skills. Either way it sucks to be you- back to the story then…

Her raven locks elegantly framed her slender face which was a perfect snowy-white- the type of white you can only produce by scrubbing something with bleach for 3 hours straight. Or by using that washing powder they advertise on TV- 'Daz- the soap you can believe in!' Her hair shimmered in the sunlight and billowed out behind her as if someone had parked a wind machine right next to her face. Her face was whiter than a white picket fence and contrasted wonderfully with her dark satin dress, which was adjourned by jewels. Even though she'd been brought up in squalor she could still afford such fineries without lowering herself to prostitution. They were the scum of the earth, it didn't matter if some of them were forced into it or didn't want to starve to death- she was above them in every single way. I mean everyone knows being a whore is **much** worse than killing people, stealing, being a pirate or being a drunk.

Well back to her dress, it was much nicer and much more revealing than anything that stupid _Elizabeth_ had ever worn. Both Will and Jack forgot about _her_ as soon as they laid eyes on the stranger. Did I mention Will was there as well? Well he was. Hey, let's say all of the crew was there as well- don't want to obsess too much over my OC. Where was I? Oh yes the dress… Hey that rhymes! Yay! So anyway the dress was very tight, and Jack and Will couldn't stop staring- it was the most beautiful dress they had ever seen. But of course it paled in comparison to the girl who was wearing it. It was a dark red satin and the bottom was lined with black lace. It was a bit like that dress Barbossa had except it didn't have puffy sleeves because they aren't in fashion. For goodness sake- you'd think it was the 17th century or something…

Her voice… Her voice was musical and had a beautiful accent that Jack (Who had travelled all around the world.) could not trace. He could tell instantly that she had a wonderful singing voice that he would admire because, well he always does in these types of stories. Her teeth were even whiter than her face, like bleached pearls and shone brilliantly like a car's headlights. No, wait, even brighter than that- so bright anyone standing in a 20-mile radius was instantly blinded. They were straight as well, straighter than that white picket fence I mentioned earlier. So straight that rulers would weep at their perfection, and die safe in the knowledge that they had seen heaven and it was this beauty.

To Jack she looked thin enough to be anorexic and sort of like a human Barbie, in a good way of course- not in a horrible plasticy way. Of course this confused Jack because he didn't know what the hell anorexia or a Barbie was; the words had suddenly popped into his head as if some 13-year-old fan girl was dictating his actions. This scared him even more because he didn't know what a fan girl was either. To Will she looked very…. Err thin… Actually let's just say he thought exactly what Jack thought, because that was obviously the main thought of everyone in the room. To Gibbs she looked like a bottle of rum because he's old, a drunk, unattractive and such a minor character he won't be a love interest. Oh and Barbossa didn't care either because he's an ugly, old, pervy man who doesn't even deserve that whore Elizabeth. Honestly you Barbossabeth people are just sick- Especially everyone that goes on IMDB and calls me names because I started a post (Well maybe 10) saying 'OMG ISN'T JACK SO THE H0TNESS!' My best friend Epie thinks you're disgusting for thinking Gregory Rush is hotter than Orlando Bloom. Weirdos.

'Who are you?' Will finaly built up the courage to ask, which was quite surprising because he was incredibly shy towards… _her _in the first film. But this incredible beauty, who surpassed the Sirens, Keira Knightly, Kylie, supermodels and the Mona Lisa gave him a strange sort of confidence which no other woman could ever give him. No even Kelly Clarkson who is like the best singer ever! This girl had a better voice than Kelly and would have been praised by Simon Cowell if she had been born in the future. If she hadn't been given a modelling contract first or recognised for her great acting skills or her other great talents.

'I am…' The woman sighed dramatically and everyone could tell she had had an awful past. Heartbreak resonated from all of her body, except from her rear end because that is just so unladylike. You could see it in her eyes, her hair, her stance, her voice, her posture (Is that the same as stance?) and even in her nails which had been red when she was born due to a rare disease. This made it look as though she was wearing Nail Varnish but she really wasn't because that would be an anach… anachcrom… anachcrin… an item out of time. Because that would show I'm not a dedicated writer and I am. All my friends love my fics and only nasty flamers criticize it. So there!

'Yes?' Said Gibbs who was getting bored of the author's writing.

'My name is Ruby Johansson Scarlett Jemina Eponine Grace Jordan Jacqueline Ariel Sirene Pikachu Jessica Ruby Eragon Ayra Hermoine Norrington. But you can call me Alex.' Alex answered with her melodious voice which would calm even the fiercest of beasts. Nobody had actually tried it out of course- but who would dare put such a beautiful girl in such peril?

'Right and I'm James Bond.' Gibbs answered sarcastically.

Jack shot Gibbs a dirty look like Johnny Depp looking at **Kevin McNally really horribly for saying a nasty comment about a girl he liked.**

**'Come on love, I'll show you a good time.' He said and winked at her. Alex felt no offence- she knew she'd mean more to him than a whore. **

**'NO!' William suddenly cried out angrily. 'She will be mine! I'm the only other hot character around and therefore must fight you for her!' **

**Both men drew their swords quickly and began to fight like two actors fighting a well-choreographed swordfight. Alex looked on with fear in her beautiful emerald eyes. She closed them, her long, black eyelashes cutting through the air like butterfly wings while she did so. She had never wanted to be beautiful, why had she been given such a curse? Life was like so unfair! Sobs racked her whole body and tears flowed down her wonderful white-washed cheeks. Her usual paleness amplified her sorrow- the horrible death of her parents when she was a child was nothing compared to this. Her tears were like the ocean, wet and… full of fish. They fell like something that was wet and falls, like spit but less disgusting and more poetic. **

**Suddenly Jack and Will both stopped, they were ashamed of each other. Only Alex mattered- no their petty fights. They went up to her and took her hands.**

**'Savvy.' Jack said wisely whilst Will nodded with agreement.**

**'Why do you have to fight?' She asked angrily opening her eyes. They had turned a wonderful blue like the ocean itself. Jack could see the endless beauty and freedom of the ocean in them. It was then he knew he did not love the ocean, the pearl, freedom or Elizabeth, he loved Alex just because her eyes could change colour. Although you have to admit it _is_ a neat party trick. Will felt the same way, again. Her lovely eyes convinced him to leave Port Royal and be with her instead where he wouldn't have a steady job anymore and probably starve. But hey ho that's life!**

**'I suppose we don't have to…' Will thought out loud.**

**'Yes!' Alex cheered happily. 'I will gladly share myself between you! It won't make me a whore because you don't pay!' **

**'Aye. Ye all should come to me cabin.' Jack suggested. He was about to take a swig of rum but then thought the better of it- Alex's sheer beauty had changed his alcoholic ways. 'Savvy.' He added almost as an afterthought.**

**All three of them strode of happily. The crew which had been ignored in most paragraphs shrugged and got back to work trying not to think about why the problems of how Alex had appeared, how she was related to Norrington and how her eyes had changed colour had not been addressed.**

**THISISNOTAMARYSUETHISISNOTAMARYSUETHISISNOTAMARYSUETHISISNOTAMARYSUE**

**Jack woke up the next morning with a grin on his face. Luckily he managed to rip it off and stamp it before the grin went for his throat because else this would be an angst fic and only idiotic goths and emos write those. Jack decided that enough was enough and went on deck to see if anyone could call pest control. The night had been wonderful, greater than the greatest thing he could think of- greater than freedom, prostitutes or rum but not greater than sex because that's what had happened obviously if there weren't enough hints. Now they were engaged, all they needed now was to go to a country where Polygamy was legal. And then they'd settle down, have a white picket fence, children and a dog could Tim which he and Will could do strange things to if the piracy bug hit them. **

**'Hello Jack.' A familiar voice hissed.**

**Jack whipped round faster than a Mr. Whippy ice cream. **

**'Barbossa!' He spat like a cat. Hey another rhyme! I'm a poet and I didn't know it! More news to tell Epie on MSN! **

**'Yes it is I. Where were ye last night? I thought ye needed to find Davy Jones?' Barbossa asked bringing a much-needed half-plot to this mess of a story.**

**'I was… busy… with our new stowaway. Savvy! Her name is **Ruby Johansson Scarlett Jemina Eponine Grace Jordan Jacqueline Ariel Sirene Pikachu Jessica Ruby Eragon Ayra Hermoine Norrington. But I call her Alex. Don't ye dare try and steal her from me! Savvy!' Jack's eyes flared angrily like a road flare being send out to save a couple who's car has broken down in the middle of the Lake District.

'What? You don't mean _the_ Ruby Johansson Scarlett Jemina Eponine Grace Jordan Jacqueline Ariel Sirene Pikachu Jessica Ruby Eragon Ayra Hermoine Norrington, Do ye? Norrington's long lost daughter? You didn't _sleep_ with her?' Barbossa looked almost scared for Jack like a rabbit caught in headlights or an ant caught in anti-freeze.

'Well yes. What other Ruby Johansson Scarlett Jemina Eponine Grace Jordan Jacqueline Ariel Sirene Pikachu Jessica Ruby Eragon Ayra Hermoine Norrington is there? Ye's just jealous- I knew even an old man like yeself couldn't resist her charms!'

'Jack… Ye do know she used to be a man?'

THE END or is it…?

I bet you hope it is…

A/N The Mary Sue… was a Gary Stu! How's that for a shocking twist- a twist that makes absolutely no sense but that's not the point or is it…? I forget… I was going to add a bit about _Sodomy in the pirate tradition _but I couldn't fit it in. As a regular reader of car-crash fanfiction I felt obliged to write some of my own. Flames are welcome- my OC is a Mary Sue after all. So flame away people! I am aware the style of writing changed suddenly and this doesn't make sense at points but that was my point. I think… By the way I am a supporter of Barbossabeth and a bit of slash- I was taking the mick. Honest. Please don't kill me!


End file.
